My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
