You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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