Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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