Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize