i used baking grease as lip gloss
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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