I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
