i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
