when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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