Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Vodka?
Forever.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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