We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
