Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
