I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
