how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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