That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
thus making me awesome and them whores
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
