i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
