It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
