I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
