Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
