Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
