I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
