when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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