It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
