this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
