on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
last night I used snow as a chaser
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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