After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
