Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize