where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
