I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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