he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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