Your face is a jimmy john
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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