I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize