the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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