I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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