Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
