Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize