Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
