it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize