everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
