I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
