So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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