So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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