So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
