Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
