He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
