When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
