my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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