I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
