do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
