I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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