I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
