Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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