I just threw up on my dentist
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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