Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
4 words: hood of his car
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
