If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
