Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize