I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need a beard to bite.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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