Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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