So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
