I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
