Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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