i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize