I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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