apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize