Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
