I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
