TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
