i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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