I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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