Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
