im six kinds of drunk right now
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Bring me that man meat
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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