I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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