Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
