I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
